Sword of Athernenaon
by SwordOfAthernenaon
Summary: Apparently the entirety of this fanfiction was typed on a flip phone with T9. Scientists found it years after the heat-death of the universe, buried in the rubble of southeast ohio. Consists of what appears to be a convergence of major historical and mythological figures. Contains gore, sexual content, profuse swearing, violent grammatical errors, and a sentient hat rack. (c) 2016
1. Chapter 1

William was awake, but his eyessz wwere not open yet

suddenyl william a thought, "oh noez I will a late at schooled!1!1!"

william wnet down to kitchwen ti eat breakfast

william mother sayid "good morning son i love you"

william say "klil urslef i hatea yuo for brithign me unto this earht"

william mother cry, william grabbed skatbord an skate out of house, also he was wearign studedd dog collers on his rists cuz he was kuul

william skteborded past alleywey, where he saw tanetimamau gettign raeped by ferdinand's benis

ferdinand benis was too big for tantemao's asswhole, and tanontmemeo was couhging up peaces of his own inetsines and ther was a lot of blood

tenitnemememo scremed like a cat in heat having its legs sawn off without anesthesia, btu nobdidy herd him xsept william and ferdinand

all teh screming made ferdinand honrier, an he fkucked admiraltonga evne hardre

suddenly, willemhm said "STOP RAEPING HIM"

but ferdinand say "NO"

then ferdinand say "YUO ARRRRRRR FILTHY SWAMP YERRRMAN"

then, with the sound of the buzing of a tousand beesnests, ferdinand ejoculaminated into tantntmememoom's asswhole

a swram of bees flew ot of ferdinand's benis, and ferdinand say "ay puta madre"

then, ferdinand fall over deadf rom bestest ograsm evir

tanentnmoomoo look at william and say, wtih dieying breadth,

"my onli ragret is he wasnt browen enuff"

Then, tantntnmibroliliuokalani dyed.

william say "mohter of god"

is fiften yers latir, an william is goign to threapy for treatemnt after seeign horible raep

william hateds his lyfe, so he kill self by ovredose on zinc plils form dotkor

suddenly, THOR GOD OF THUNDER run into room william dying, and hold william up like his owen sun, and THOR GOD OF THUNDER whipser at william's eer,

"zinc is a grate sorse uf dietari fibre"

den, william eyes are fill wITH BLOOD and william dye

nobody go to william funeral, becuas he had PTSDofrenia like wesley willis

tden, ferdinand is rise form graev, and sey "benis rape again"

END FO CAHPTER 1 


	2. Chapter 2

Ramses the israeli muslim wes goign to yachting shcool wehn sdudenly william is appear to him as ghost form teh FUTURE

ramses sayed "hwat do y'all want"

will doesent speak enythign becuas ghoats are nit reeel

nramses was lynched by the birtish fro nit wrearing a burqa

and teh yachting shcool was ACUTALLY SANTA ANNA

and santa anna grwe wigns and fly awey, until he got a peper cut on teh tretty fo gualalupe hidalgo and died form nationalism

sduenly, black chechen guerrila wiht rokcet lawnchair is apper

but is then go awya becuase is nit usefil fir teh storyline

carley rae jepsim was disembwoling smol burds wehn sduenly she reelize:

"BANANA MONKEY ALLIGATOR"

(kill me) 


	3. Chapter 3

CAHPTRE 3

bolsonwaro was pushign mandela in a babby crrairge wehn sduenly he a seed a sought sight!

higgins was treieing to speak irirhs btut insteade of irihs speak, he say evail denomic curse!

"OH NO FUCK" thoughted bolsonro, he must a stop. Btut hwow?

sudenly isabella, who was frirdenan denom lord, caem out frome the grodun after higggins accidnet summoninged her.

isbel seyed, "I WILL AVEGNE FERDINANDN WHOSE DETH WAS BROGHT TO THIS LAND BY FLITHY AMERICENS"

higgins is feint from sohck and mandlela dieded

isbabel continu spek, "my ferdinandgg was lured to deth by amerecens so I mjust americens make died to defete!"

bollesnaro was nut americeene but he bestest frnend, harald, was americanian. he knew him had to save friend. so boslo went.

in american there was hrarlad and mao and tonyblair also. tonyblair sayed "whey aye" when he sees boslero apprear, but bolo not repsond. he on mission.  
must save harald.

boslobaro was abuot to save hrald when suduenly netanyahu is show! netanyahu was anoether of teh demonlordz like isabelle adn fernidand. netanyahu hated harald because haralld was blakc.  
netanyahu ctut off haralddss's benins and pistolwhipped him to deth and tied him to an log and throw him into rivrer like emmitt till from hitsory clas with mister ward.  
boslonar hold harold as he die in river, his dickblood staiening hims pantce.

"herold my love, speke to me." bolsonair.

"et shitt" heroldinen.

haraold die and bleno was so sad he slit his rists. bleniors look up at netanyahu and say, "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!" but netanyahu was alreday away.

blolsron must traine to defeete evil demunz, but hwo? he went to train.

hes next battel was gainst berset, destroyeur of world and anthromoporphic potato god quack quakc. blolso had black eye shdadow from his depressin after hearlad is die, and he wear jap headbend with banzai because he otaku. bolsonar pul;l out hes katana, forged in suns of athernenaon, and fighted berset.  
they fought and foght and fighted, untitl berste was ovrer blesone with gun at him, and bolsorn not haev sword. "you are losed", bersette sayed. but bolsonaro had sexy smart grin on faec, he say at bertset, "no, it is you who am loseding." brsett look up, and blosmona's sword satbbed him in spine, because it magic!  
bloslo pull sword out and sword say "bolson my love we shall avegne my deth together" sword is haev spirit of harald. and so they went.

end thrid cahptre 


	4. Chapter 4

Now in the new days as Bolsonaro rode on, his sword of Athernenaon held in a sheath of leather and brass, he sought the demons which took his love, Harald, from him. He had fought many battles 'gainst the evil forces that had sought vengeance on the good peoples of the world, and he was weary from fighting. But he pressed on, knowing that some day in the future he must face off against Isabella and, in deadly battle, defeat her.

Bolsonaro came across a settlement, long ago abandoned and plundered as the denizens fled the wake of terror from the great evils. The doors of the houses hang on their hinges, the windows shattered and roofing shingles strewn about the roads. As he rode through, atop his mighty steed Genghis, Bolsonaro's eyes flit back and forth from domicile to domicile. A slight glimpse of movement drew his gaze to a dilapidated bungalow at the end of an off-shooting cul-de-sac. Bolsonaro dismounted Genghis and approached on foot, clutching his sword, thumb over hilt, ever ready for an encounter.

Bolsonaro climbed the three stairs to the front door in a single step because he was a cool-ass motherfucker. He pried the door open, and peered inside, waiting a moment to let his eyes adjust to the blinding light. Wait, what the fuck? Blinding light?

It says fucking... blinding light. Okay. Blinding light it is.

Bolsonaro shielded his hands with his eyes - I mean, his eyes with his hands, as he walked further into the building. Shag carpeting beneath his feet gave way to linoleum, and then to hardwood flooring, until Bolsonaro found himself standing on plush leather. By now his eyes had adjusted to the light and he found that he was literally standing on top of a sofa. It was a really nice sofa too, with the automatic reclining seats and the little trap-door hatch in the middle for storing the TV remotes. The sofa was in the middle of the kitchen though, which is an odd furnishing choice, but Bolsonaro had seen plenty of weird shit already and was not about to question a sofa in the kitchen. It was at this point Bolsonaro finally found the source of the movement he had seen earlier.

A goddamn... sentient hat rack. You can't make this shit up. I'm not kidding, it's an actual sentient hat rack. Picture it with like, googly eyes or something.

"Howdy dowdy! I'm Gimlet, the sentient hat rat! I'm so pleased to meet you!"

Bolsonaro, who had just earlier decided not to question a sofa in the kitchen because he had seen plenty of weirder things than that, clearly was not prepared for weird shit on the order of magnitude of a sentient, talking hat rack that probably had googly eyes.

"Wha-what the fuck. How. What. What in... fuck?", queried Bolsonaro.

The sentient hat rack, Gimlet, was still wobbling around. It responded:

"I am a sentient hat rack!"

Bolsonaro just grabbed the hat rack and left. He would figure this out later but right now he had shit to do and this was literally too fucking much for him to handle.

"Weeeeee!" cheered Gimlet.

Bolsonaro remounted Genghis and rode off into the sunset, carrying his sword in one hand and Gimlet in the other. 


	5. Chapter 5

the fifth chapter

ISABLELE WAS NWOW BECOIGM MOST PWERER FULLL OF ALLS. SHE HAD DESTROYED THE CAMADIANS AND WAS NOW GOING TO GOING TTOAO BEGIGN HER ASSLAT ON AMERICO.

"MUAHAHAHAHHA I WILL KILL ALLS"

STOP RIGHT THERE "SAYED BOLSOSOANO"

ISBABSLA TURNED AOURND AND LOOKINGED AT BOSLAON

"YUO TO LATE! i WILL MAKE AMERICANS ENDING TO DYE!"

"NOT ON MY WACH"

BOSOSAL HLED UP GILMET, RAN AT ISBABEL WITH!

"I am a sentient hat rack!" GIMELT BELELOWED WITH LUGNS OF STEL

BOSLAON HIT ISBABELEL WITH GOOGLY EYESS HAT RAKC AND SHE A SCREAMIN O LORDY

HE GET SWORD TO HIT SHARP KILL

ISABELE TELEPROT AWEY TO AVOID DYE BUT USING UP POWERE AND DELAY IVNASION OF AMERIGA

BOSLAOS IS SAEV THE DAY BUT NOT YET THE WEEK

BOSLEOEO LOOK OUT AT WINDOW TO AMERICA

"GOB DLESS AMERICA" AS TEARS FALL DOWN HIMS FACE

GIMLET SING STAR SPANGLED BANNER

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD

AMERICA IS SAVED

AMERICA IS GOOD 


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

be me

genghis kahn

get transformed into a fucking centaur by Isabella, queen of spain

chill out and do horse shit for a while until some dude with a sword (I'm talking full on fat neckbeard at an anime convention, real mall ninja shit) walks up to me

"I need your help dude"

decide to humor this dorito muncher and ask him what he needs help with

"Isabella's demon minions killed my husband and I need to kill her before she destroys all of America. Will you help me?"

guy makes a compelling argument

agree to help him on his quest

guy turns out to not be half bad

his name is Bolsonaro but he insists there is no relation to the brazilian guy

he sits on my back because I'm a literal centaur and it makes logical sense

we run around and do quest shit

eventually he finds a sentient hat rack in an abandoned bungalow

the fucking hat rack has a name, Gimlet, and for like three days all he says is "I am a sentient hat rack!"

it's annoying as shit but Bolsonaro insists we keep him because he has googly eyes and we need comedic relief

start to question Bolsonaro's fucking sanity as this hat rack literally stabs at my mental fortitude

suddenly the hat rack just blurts out "Isabelle is in Montreal" out of nowhere

Bolsonaro insists we listen to this TALKING HAT RACK and go to Montreal to kill Isabelle

mfw we are in fucking texas

mfw we don't even know where montreal is aside from somewhere in canada

mfw i am genghis khan but a centaur

mfw the talking hat rack starts singing

pic unrelated


End file.
